Love Is Not All We Need…Sorry John Lennon!

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October 14, 2011 By 3 Comments

author: Kate

Have you adopted or are considering adopting a child of another race?  If so, I encourage you to read a post and comment in the Transracial Family Group written by Jane Brown, MSW  on the Adoptive Families Circle website entitled “The Importance of Racial Socialization on Transracial Adoptees”.  
The post  is poignant for transracial families as it discusses the findings of a research study conducted by the Evan B. Donaldson Institute which found that racial socialization is imperative for the development of a healthy sense of self for transracial adoptees.  Jane describes even further how this applies to families formed through transracial adoption in a comment after the article, also an essential read.
 
I will admit when I first read the intial post, I couldn’t help but think, “Diagnosis Duh.”  Really?  Someone had to do research to determine that the effects of significant exposure to folks of their own race on transracial adoptees helps those adoptees be better adjusted adults?  This was nothing the folks at Bridge Communications classes and adult adoptees as well as my friends of color hadn’t made perfectly clear when Jeff and I began our adoption journey 14 years ago.  

It wasn’t until I began reading the comments after the article that I realized how important these types of studies/articles are.  I was struck by how defensive and resistant some of the comment writers were to both Jane’s initial post and her further comment.  I wrote a comment as well and have used much of what I wrote there in this post because I think it is worth repeating.  So, if you read the comments and some of this sounds familiar…it is.

I asked myself why people were getting so upset by these ideas and I think that when you have grown up veiled in the protection of white privilege you tend to take a naïve view of race.  You really, truly in your heart of hearts believe that love will conquer all.  If you just love your child enough, he or she will be able to wrap themselves in your white privilege and sail through life cloaked in the security of your love.  I know that way back when, I believed that.

Oh, if only it were so.  Parenting would be so much easier. Trust me when I say that if I knew then what I know now, there’s a good chance I’d be single and childless and living in a loft in downtown Chicago.  Parenting is a ton harder than I ever imagined and the difficulties are only exacerbated when we add race into the mix. There are no easy answers and we all want to do what is best for our kids.  Often that means opening our minds and hearts to ideas that we are not comfortable with.

I am going to say something that I am certain will be unpopular but I’m going to say it anyway; LOVE IS NOT ALL WE NEED.  Race does matter.  Whether or not it should is an entirely different issue.  The reality is; it does.  Our job as parents is not to hide racism from our children or to pretend that it doesn’t exist; our job is to prepare our children for how to handle it when it does occur.  If you have enjoyed white privilege all your life and never even knew it, how do you confront, reconcile and learn to handle racism in way that preserves your child’s sense of self worth?
If you choose to adopt a child of another race, you need to read the post and comment that Jane wrote.  Really read them.  Pour yourself a glass of wine, sit down in a quiet place and read both three times, at least.  First read with your head and understand it.  Second read  with your heart and empathize with the messages. Lastly, read with all your senses open and all your defenses down so that you can truly hear what she is saying without trying to defend your life choices.  If you find yourself feeling angered or defensive, ask yourself why you are feeling that way.  
Maybe the answer is because what she is saying is hard to hear if it is not how you envisioned your road to parenthood.  Perhaps you never expected the changes you have to make, like moving to a town that is racially diverse, attending a church that includes people of your child’s race or seeking out friends of another color.  These changes were probably not part of your original plan for parenthood and may be outside of your comfort zone -  BUT; do them anyway!  You don’t have to be comfortable, you have to do what is right for your family…the way it looks right now.
I ask that parents of young children learn from others with older children and from adult adoptees. The vast majority of whom will tell you it is imperative that you live in a racially diverse area and have friends of your child’s nationality.  If you can’t move right now for reasons outside of your control, look for other ways to find people of your child’s race.  Take mommy and me classes in a diverse area, look for places of worship that are diverse even if it means experiencing religion in a new way, see if you can find dentists or doctors of your child’s race even if it means a bit of a drive.  Do as much as you can right now, until you can move to a more diverse area.   
Adding diversity to your life is not a “it would be nice if…”  sort of thing.  It is a MUST.  It is up there with a roof over your child’s head, food on the table and doctor’s visits when your child is sick.  I am sorry if you don’t want to hear this, but it is the reality of adopting across racial lines.  
I don’t care how nice the people in your neighborhood are, do you/your white neighbors know how to behave as a black man being pulled over by a policeman for DWB so that you are not arrested or worse?  Do you/your white neighbors understand how it feels to walk through a department store being followed by security because they are sure you will be shoplifting something?  Do you/your white neighbors know how to respond if someone uses the N-word?  (or what to say when your teenager thinks it’s an okay word to use?)  I use these examples because my boys are African American, but there are many racist experiences that all children of color will inevitably experience.  Can you honestly say you understand and know how to handle those experiences when they do?
If you read my last couple of postings about Ricky Bobby, you know that I can’t even always identifiy racism when it occurs.  Sometimes I may interpret something that is racist when it is not or vice verse.  Sometimes I need help.  
When we adopt transracially, we give meaning to the saying it takes a village. My village is not only my family, but my friends who are the same race as my sons.  They provide assistance when I have questions from skin care to racism and I wouldn’t be able to parent my boys without them.
I encourage you to create your own village.  It will only help your children…and you too.
Kate Terry Hlava lives just outside of Atlanta, GA with her husband, 4
children, 3 dogs, 2 cats and a lizard (who remarkably enough is an
invited guest).  She makes her living as an attorney which is useful
as she spends most of her time negotiating with her husband or one of
her children.  Kate is also a fledgling blogger at www.thrivingdespiteus.blogspot.com.
Filed Under: Transracial Adoption

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:
    October 14, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Great post! Even with the pre-adoption reading, it wasn't until I parented my Ethiopian daughter that I started to really understand how complex the topics of race, racial identity development, white privilege and racism are. Jane's article and comment were challening and insightful — as is your commentary here.

    For those interested in resources on parenting an adopted child of colour, I have just created a new Yahoo group with a large resource database. You can find it here: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/transracialadoptionresources/

    And thanks again for this terrific blogpost.

    Chris (aka ChristyCanuck)

    Reply
  2. Denise says:
    October 15, 2011 at 4:26 am

    I agree whole heartedly! And it isn't just for our children's sakes that we should do our absolute best to have family friends of our children's nationality – it is for our sakes as well. I was having a discussion with a good friend who is black, about how difficult it is to see our children being rejected as a possible friend by their peers. Are they in fact being rejected or is it just my imagination? Is it because their personalities just don't match? Did the white peer even give the friendship a chance or are my children automatically rejected as a possibility simply because of their skin colour? It was such a relief that I wasn't the only one who wondered and worried about these issues! And to be able to understand some of what other nationalities in a white privilege world might think and feel… what a gift that is to us – even though it breaks my heart.

    And Chris – what a great idea! I'm going to request to join right now :)

    Reply
  3. Kate says:
    October 20, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    I just joined the group too! Thanks Chris! I appreciate your positive words more than you know…sometimes I read the comments from people that disagree and it gets a bit overwhelming. It is nice to hear from people that get it!

    Reply

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