author: Natasha
Physical strength and energy to love was not the hardest hurdle for me in the bonding process.
Our new children had many needs that were time consuming. Just by nature, they were demanding–what children aren’t? There was literally no time for the special little times that I was accustomed to with our biological children. For example, I would sit down on the couch to read a book to the children, and my new aggressive children always took the seats by me and left the others on the outskirts. I would want to say something to correct the situation, but then I would get the “you love them more then me” treatment. In my head, I knew our new children were insecure and needed time to feel secure in our love, but it was hard for my heart to understand. This is where my struggle with resentment came in. I resented our birth children getting pushed to the side.
Probably the hardest thing for me was when they mistreated other children in the house. They were physically aggressive, sometimes hurting them. They broke their toys and even stole them. I began to have problems with anger towards them.
Dealing with these situations I had to give myself continual mental pep talks. I would remind myself:
- These are all your children, your treasures. Try to understand each of them.
- Remember none of your seven children are perfect.
- They need to be taught proper behavior.
- They didn’t ask us to bring them here. They didn’t have any control over the circumstances in their lives. It is not their fault.
I prayed a lot, and I taught. I taught proper behavior. It felt like all I did was instruct children all day long. Through the first year, I was pretty patient most the time. They just didn’t know how to act. However, I’m afraid after that, it was harder. I felt like they should know by now.
Honestly, I made a lot of mistakes. I had to apologize to the children multiple times because I responded out of anger and resentment towards them. It was hard to say, “Mom messed up.”
I hated this struggle. I felt I shouldn’t feel this way. I kept telling myself, “If you really loved them, you wouldn’t feel this way.” My husband helped me with this so much. He was understanding, but at the same time reaffirmed to me that I did love them.
I learned that love is a choice. We chose to love even when it was hard. I Corinthians 13 came to be my motto:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
Whenever I was struggling, I would look at these verses. I would ask myself questions like: “Are you being patient? Are you being kind? Are you protecting, persevering, etc.?” Then I would see that I was choosing love. But in my heart I longed for a stronger feeling of connection. I wanted to look into their eyes and delight in a bond of love that could not be touched. I wanted to feel connected.
*note: please join us tomorrow as Natasha continues to share her thoughts and experiences on bonding with adopted children
I’m Natasha at Mother of Seven. I’ve been a Kansas girl most of my life. I love the rolling hills, sunflowers, golden wheat fields, and wide open spaces. From the time I was small my parents prayed I would follow Jesus and would find a Christian spouse. God heard their prayers and sent me the most wonderful man to whom I’ve been married for nearly twenty years now. I am the mother to seven beautiful blessings from God. My roles of wife and mother are important, but the most important role I have is servant of Jesus. Being his follower and servant I pray is what defines each and every role I am given in life. I started my blog in an effort to write down our families journey through adoption for our children. I wanted them to know the great lengths God went to in order to bring them to us. In the Old Testament parents were instructed to tell their children the stories of what God had done for them, the Israelites, so that they would not forget and would remain faithful to Him. I don’t want our children to forget His story of their lives.
This is a great post for any relationship. Thanks for sharing.
I have hated myself for two years now, feeling that I don’t deserve any of my children, adopted or otherwise, because of feeling this way. This anger and resentment is my world right now, and I feel it as much toward God as I do the kids. During the process of the adoption three years ago, (a boy and a girl, ages two and three at the time) I told God many times, “Don’t let this go through if you won’t be there to walk us through after as well, I can’t do this without you, so if you won’t be there, don’t send them.” He sent them, and with great joy we made our family of six, a family of eight. Three years later, right now, I am exhausted, frustrated, angry, resentful. I feel abandoned by my God, trapped and helpless to do anything about it. I say the exact same things, everyday, all day, remind them of the same household rules that I put in place on day one, and a thousand times a day for everyday since. These are SMART kids, but they went through a lot. They know the rules, but they are needy every second of every day. They eat like they’ve never seen food before, and might never see it again, yet every meal, every snacktime has been on time since they day they walked in our door three years ago. I took a year off when we got them from any and all responsibilities at my church etc. I thought that would be plenty of time… Lol, (sarcastic chuckle)…. Our adopted son hurts our animals whenever we aren’t watching closely enough, lies constantly, often to purposely get his little sister in trouble, or just for entertainment. He’s mean to other kids at school. Throws fits and destroys things. I am afraid of him, afraid of what living with him as a teenager will look like if things don’t turn around. His little sister, our other adopted child, is following closely in his footsteps… My heart is broken, what we dreamed for this family will never be without a miracle. So I’m just waiting, doing the best I can… doing what I can.
Thank you for your honesty, I thought I was the only one. I have been tortured with “What kind of a mother feels this way” thoughts for so long and as more time goes by I can’t help thinking if it will ever get any better. You would think after three years…. Wouldn’t you??