Dear Thoughtless

I just have vent. I’m not sure what is in the air lately, but I’m having more than the usual amount of very thoughtless and downright rude comments about adoption. In front of my kids more often than not. Wednesday was the pinnacle of {sorry} stupid and hurtful questions. So while this post isn’t entirely about that conversation (although most of it is), it is a compilation of months of thoughtless comments made.  Please know that if you are my friend (in person or online), this post does not apply to you. This is for the people who don’t know us at all, or barely know anything about us yet still think they have the right to ask intrusive and rude questions.

Dear Thoughtless Person,

I know you probably aren’t intentionally being rude, but really – how do you think your children would feel if you were asked (right in front of them) if someone pays you to take care of “them” or if you have to pay for everything just as if they were your own. ALL my children are my own!

And if you really feel the need to go on and on about how much money adoption costs – would you care to also talk about how much money you spent on your vehicles, your house, have in your savings accounts or how much you make per year? What? Those things are personal you say? Well, guess what? – I personally can’t put a number on a human life and certainly don’t care to talk about it as if it is a burden on our part. As I told you today, investing in a human life is the best thing I can ever imagine spending my money on.

Yes, her hair takes time. And no, her hair isn’t dirty because it is so curly. Do you think when you ask me if I am able to clean down to her scalp she might not wonder if she is a dirty person because of her hair type?

Believe it or not, you are probably the 300th person this week who has asked me why the Haitian adoption process takes so long, and how terrible their government is to delay the process. Yes, it would be better for the children to be home, yes they know that families are waiting… quite frankly I’m just tired of talking about it. As much as you might think that you are coming up with some very original thoughts on the topic, please know it has already been discussed to death. So here’s an idea… Ask me how Giselle is doing. Ask to see photos of her, let me talk about HER - the person, not her – the process. She isn’t just “a process” until the day she comes home, she is my daughter. Right now. She is a 15 hour plane ride away and it HURTS to be separated from her. Imagine your child half a world away, being cared for by strangers with only the occasional update. Then talk to me as a mother – not as a person doing some noble or strange thing.

I know I don’t always say the right thing in a given situation. I know that everyone has moments when they stick their foot in their mouths, but please, just have some compassion and common sense. And for the love of all that is holy, PLEASE don’t say these things in front of my children. Amara might only be 3.5, she might “only” be adopted, but she is actually a real human being who is very bright. She hears everything you say and might just measure her worth by what you say.  I find her priceless. If you don’t, please just keep your thoughts to yourself.

Lastly, I am sad for you. That you can’t look at Amara and see her for the amazing human being she is. Made in God’s image – just like you! Loved beyond measure – no matter her skin tone, her hair type or adoption status. It’s sad that you have such limits in your thinking when it comes to love.

But honestly, I am mostly angry at myself. Because I don’t always have the perfect response to your comments. Because I don’t know if there even is such a thing. So thank you, Thoughtless Person, for making me grow and learn. One of these days I will have the perfect response to a horrible question at the perfect time, and I will only have you to thank. Lord willing, it will result in all my (own) children feeling the immense depth of my love for them – whether they are adopted or not.