Adoption

Cocooning Conclusion

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May 13, 2013 By sharla Leave a Comment

Many of you have been helped by reading Denise’s previous posts on Cocooning (Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3) and today, she is sharing her experience now that they have finished cocooning with their daughter.

If we aren’t careful, parenting can be such a minefield of opinions and judgments. Adoptive parenting is certainly no exception. I have had much loving support in our decision to cocoon, but I have also had opposition. Some people seem to feel judged by my posts because they chose not to cocoon. Others had never heard of it and wish they had known of this option when their child first came home which has resulted in some feelings of regret.

If there is one thing I keep learning over and over again, it is that it is always dangerous to judge other people’s parenting choices. There are so many things I have done that I swore I would never do… or have not done that I was sure I would do!

I can honestly tell you that cocooning was incredibly hard. Much harder than I expected it to be. And I am an introvert by nature – so I can only assume it might be even that much harder on an extroverted mother. What made cocooning so hard was not so much the isolation from the world, but it was the insanity in our home coupled with the isolation from the world. At one point, I searched through blogs about cocooning and saw how many mothers started out with intentions to cocoon, but simply couldn’t keep it up. I considered quitting as well (many times) – but Giselle’s needs and temperament simply wouldn’t allow it.

I have heard that bringing a child home in the toddler years is one of the hardest/worst times to bring about this huge life change for them. They are not so young that they don’t notice the changes, and they are not so old as to understand any explanations given to them. All they know is, “that was my home, and these people took me away”. Of course each situation is unique, and each child is unique in how they perceive life and handle change.

Saying goodbye to her Haitian Nana.

First days with us. I knew she was stressed, but now I can see the intensity of it on her face.

Do I think cocooning is a must in every adoption situation? Not necessarily to the degree we did. But I do think it is important for families to know about this option and to seriously consider it for their family. I think it would be ideal for families to prepare for the possibility that their child will need this, but certainly not all children will need to cocoon to the extent that Giselle did.

I am so very thankful we were already prepared to do this – mentally and in our family’s scheduling. I can only imagine that Giselle’s healing would have taken much, much longer had we not cocooned. She was the type of child who needed this SO incredibly much, and now that we are 8 months into getting to know her, I am absolutely certain that we would have years and years of repercussions to deal with down the road had we not taken her into her new world very slowly.

How do I know this? When she first came home, she slept absolutely horribly. She cried and whined a good part of the night – she really was traumatized by her transport into this completely different world. If I had to make an outing for any reason (ie – the grocery store for some milk, or to the bank), she would sleep even worse that night. One sure trigger every single time was if another person would come up to her, look her in the eye and talk to her. Then I knew it was game over for sure – we weren’t sleeping for at least the next 3 nights.

This became even more evident at around 3-4 months home when she finally started sleeping a bit better. Any new stress during the day would result in a very restless, fitful sleep again. I was expecting to cocoon for 6 weeks. I counted down the days anxiously. At the end of 4 weeks we could manage a quick shopping trip without too much trauma. But she was nowhere near okay at 6 weeks. And so I dug my heals in for the 3 month mark. By 3 months home, we could do a quick visit at one or two close friends/family. They could come to our house for even shorter visits with minimal “damage”. But she would still get easily confused as to who the new “mother” was, and which one she should be listening to and going to for her needs.

At 4.5 months home, we had planned to go visit family for Christmas (an 8 hour road trip). But after a busy week, and a few Christmas parties, she fell apart and I knew there was no way we could make the trip. So we adjusted our plans (after grieving a little bit) to hunker down for a quiet Christmas at home.

At 7 months home, I finally saw a huge jump in her confidence about where she fit into our family, and that our family unit is consistent. It does not change. People might visit, but they will leave; our family unit doesn’t change. Family members might leave, but they always come back because our family unit doesn’t change. People can talk sweetly to her and maybe even pick her up and that’s okay, but she still knows to whom she belongs.

I saw this so evident in our trip to visit family at Easter. While at Christmas she still felt very insecure if someone spoke sweetly to her and got in her space… at Easter, family she had never met were doing those same things, but it didn’t seem to make her feel insecure about my relationship with her. That was a huge relief! I didn’t even realize how hyper-vigilant I had become about how people would talk to her, how close they were or how much eye contact they tried to make – because those things would always pull her away from me and confused her. On this trip, I would pull her aside a few times per day and make sure we played our little games to connect with each other. She was always willing to connect, and then would happily go off to play. In the past, when feeling unsure, she would always pull away from me and resist connection.

Our trip hasn’t been without payback. She has reverted back to some of her old tricks of screaming and tantruming instead of using her words. Of being rough with the other kids, defiant to me and some control battles. But they are manageable and still in a context of feeling connected with me.

In conclusion, cocooning was a lifesaver for our family. While it was incredibly hard, the rewards of it are beyond measure for Giselle, and the therefore. general peace of our family – because she is at peace. The gift that cocooning gives, is giving a baseline of “normal” for your child. Because at about 6 weeks home when she was adjusting and becoming more comfortable in our family, we could see her at her “normal”. Then when she was in a situation she found stressful, we could see her stress coming out in ways that weren’t her normal. Without that baseline, I don’t know how I would have known to read her cues.

The drawback to cocooning was my extreme loneliness on top of the fatigue and stress. That didn’t help our bonding as I was easily frustrated and upset. In hindsight, we should have had Darren take paternity leave for at least 1-3 months. I think it would have set us up for better ways of dealing with stressful situations at home that I just didn’t have the chance to implement on my own. I was literally trying to survive moment by moment. The challenge now is to unlearn some of my ways of dealing with Giselle and to work more on making our relationship more fun.

Thank you for so many of you who have encouraged, understood and supported our decision to allow Giselle to adjust to her new life at her own pace. Some days that understanding was what helped me to get through just one more day. And you all share in the rewards now – as she is, for the most part, a happy and confident little girl.

In her own words…

“Daddy, Mommy, Kylar, Amara and Giselle. Everybody my family! Giselle happy family!”

Denise and her husband are blessed to be the parents of one son by birth and two daughters by adoption (from the USA and Haiti). Denise is a regular contributor at Adoption Magazine and blogs at Pressing In.

Filed Under: Adoption, Older Child Adoption

When Adoption Was a Whisper

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April 23, 2013 By sharla Leave a Comment

This week is Infertility Awareness Week and it got me thinking about a time that I rarely think about. I never think of myself of having suffered through infertility because I was able to give birth to two sons before a medical condition I suffered during my pregnancies made it dangerous to conceive again. As adoption was something I had considered even as a child, my grieving over not being able to get pregnant again was short-lived, but there was a brief period of time when I didn’t know if adoption would happen for us and where I wondered if my dreams of a large family would ever come to be.

My husband was a student at the time and adoption wasn’t something we could consider yet because of our lack of money. Not only could we not afford most types of adoption, we would not even have been able to be approved to adopt from foster care at that point because we had no income.

We had two small sons and I loved being a mom and I loved that they were boys and brothers, but a part of my heart yearned for a daughter. I would have tears spring to my eyes when I was out shopping and passed by a pair of baby girl shoes or a pink onesie. It became so painful that I would avoid walking near the children’s clothing section in department stores. I would actually get a heaviness in my chest when I saw those teeny little garments in pink.

For two years while my husband was in school, we couldn’t even apply to be on the waiting list to adopt. I sometimes felt panicky when I heard about the long waits that others could experience. It felt like we were wasting precious time. Often, in the evening, I would go on the websites for waiting children and see which children might be right for our home. I can still see in my mind these three young sisters who were waiting in foster care in the United States. I can see them so clearly that I still sometimes wonder what became of them. Did they find a family?

Due to our situation (renting a tiny house from my parents, sometimes not having enough money to pay for milk, living on student loan and the work we could get here and there while parenting two young boys), “adoption” was a word we hardly dared to speak out loud. People would have thought we were nuts! (which it turns out they ended up thinking anyway!)

Adoption was a whisper spoken between us in the dark after the house was quiet. It was a dream that had planted itself in my mind like a seed and I watered it with wishes and fed it with hope.

As graduation neared and career options began being spoken of, I allowed the dream to take root. The next time I passed by a tiny little pink shirt at the consignment store, I bought it and brought it home, believing that someday, my daughter would wear it. She did.

(we went on to adopt two more sons and three daughters)

Feel free to add your link below to this week’s Adoption Blog Hop. The optional topic this week is infertility but you are welcome to link up anything adoption related.

Filed Under: Adoption

Veronica Rose Case in the Supreme Court

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April 18, 2013 By sharla Leave a Comment

The case of Veronica Rose is a complicated one to say the least. It involves two adoptive parents, a first mom who made and followed through with an adoption plan, a birth day, the Cherokee nation, a federal law called the Indian Child Welfare Act, and a little girl caught in the middle, one whose future hangs in the balance. This week, this case was heard in the Supreme Court. The ruling has not happened yet, but I wanted to give those of you who are interested a link to the official transcripts of the arguments in the case.

I know that many of you have followed along in this case and on a personal note, I would like to ask those who pray for all of those involved and most especially for a very loved little girl.

Filed Under: Adoption

Adoption and Finances

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April 15, 2013 By sharla 1 Comment

Ok…I will be the first to admit that this week’s Adoption Blog Hop topic is not the least bit pleasant or romantic or fun. I know that even mentioning words like “money”, “debt”, “budget”, “finance” make people squirm in their seats!

Unfortunately, finances are something that are necessary to discuss when it comes to adoption. Some types of adoption don’t cost anything, but most adoptions cost a considerable amount of money. Let’s just be honest and say that they cost more than the average person has in savings.

Although we planned and saved ahead of time and we penny pinched and we fundraised, we still ended up going into debt for our Ethiopian adoptions. Our previous adoptions had been through foster care and had not cost anything (except of course for the obvious costs associated with the lifetime care and raising of the kids!).

Going into debt for our adoption is a regret that I have. The year after we brought our two new children home was stressful enough without adding in the stress and pressure of mounting debt and the extra work hours needed to combat that. It’s three years later and we are still working at paying it off.

Having said that, I do not regret our adoption! I just would like to encourage other families who are in earlier stages of their adoption process to carefully consider how they want to prepare financially for their adoption and for the ongoing costs of raising children.

I know that I’ve said it before, but I’m a big fan of Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover. It’s not tricks or gimmicks. It’s hard work and sacrifice, but if you follow the plan, it works. We are using this plan to pay off our debt and it is working. I only wish we had started before our adoption and saved ourselves a lot of stress (and of course a lot of money in interest payments too!).

So of course, I always recommend to others that they try to adopt without going into debt to do so. Here are some articles that may provide some information and help concerning adoption finances:

10 Tips to Help Finance an International Adoption

How to Organize a Garage Sale Fundraiser

How to Adopt Without Debt (Dave Ramsey)

How we are Adopting Two Children Without Debt

Affording Adoption, Without Debt

Feel free to join in the Adoption Blog Hop with any adoption related post, not just those concerning adoption and finance.

Filed Under: Adoption, Adoption Fundraiser Ideas

Supporting Someone Through Adoption Loss

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April 14, 2013 By sharla 1 Comment

The loss of a long term foster child…the loss of a foster-to-adopt baby that the family had dreams and plans and expectations of adopting…the loss of a potential child when an adoption falls through…coming home from the hospital to an empty crib when a potential birth mom has decided to parent the baby you thought would be yours…there are no Hallmark cards for these occasions.

These losses are profound and like a death, yet there is very little acknowledgement of the loss or opportunity for closure which can make it even more difficult. For the sake of clarity, I will refer to these types of losses as adoption loss with an understanding that it encompasses similar losses such as that of a long-term foster child.

For family and friends of a family experiencing adoption loss, it can be difficult to know what to say or do and can even be difficult to understand the extent of the grieving.

Eleven years ago, we lost our daughter Amera when she was 20 months old. We had had her since she was just three days old and had expected that she would be our daughter forever. We loved her as a daughter, had dreams for her, envisioned our lives and future and family with her in them. Technically, we were missing only one thing for her to be our daughter in the eyes of the law…an adoption order. Technically, she was still our foster daughter the day she left without us getting a chance to say good-bye, never to return. Technically did not matter one bit to my heart.

From that experience and from watching some of those close to us suffer similar losses, I write this in the hopes that it will help future friends, family members, even churches and organizations to come alongside these mourning families and hold them up when they most need it.

In the coming weeks, I will have others sharing their experiences with this and offering suggestions. These are mine.

Have No Expectations – From day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute, they will be dealing with fresh and unexpected emotions. They may be fine in the morning and fall apart in the afternoon because they found a sock from the child they lost in the laundry pile or ran into someone at the supermarket that asked them how their kids were. Even someone asking how many kids they have can trigger an outpouring of anguish. Give them grace. Do not expect that they should get over this in a set amount of time. Do not expect that they should grieve this less than a death. Do not expect that they should be getting “back to normal” or able to function they way they could before. Grace. Love.

Offer No Judgement – Do not judge the way they are handling the situation, how or when they are choosing to tell their other kids, when it is the appropriate (in your opinion) time for them to get back on the waiting list or to take another placement. Do not offer advice unless asked. Do not judge. Grace. Love.

Give Practical Help – Note that I did not say to offer practical help. Often people in such an intense state of grieving won’t know how to ask for help or even take it if offered. You could say “I am going to stop by around 11 if you will be home. Would you rather I did a load of laundry or stopped on the way to pick up your groceries?” Obviously, being that direct will depend on the level of the friendship but dropping off muffins or cookies or a few casseroles for their freezer is appropriate even for acquaintances to do. You could also organize a meal schedule with a group of friends to ensure that the family is getting meals at least a few times a week. If they have other children, offer to have them over to play for an afternoon to give the mom a break and time to cry without worrying about her kids being upset by it. Or offer to babysit at night so that the couple can go out on a date. Adoption loss can be very hard on a marriage. Love in action.

A Listening Ear – When they are ready to talk, be there to listen. Let them know that though you may not understand what they are going through, you do know that they are in pain and you want to be there for them. It’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Listen without offering advice or judgement and above all, never say that they put themselves in the situation of potentially being hurt by trying to adopt or signing up to foster in the first place. Just love.

Help Them Keep Busy – After our daughter left, one of the things that saved my sanity was keeping busy. I had friends who would call me up and invite the kids and I to go to the park or the beach or come over for a playdate. In the beginning when I was just numb, one friend would call me up and tell me what we were going to do that day. She would cheerily say “pack a lunch for your kids and some sunscreen and we’re going to go berry picking” and I would go along. Staying busy helped so much and was also great for my other kids and for the guilt I wrestled with about what they may have otherwise missed out on that summer with their mom such a wreck. Even just inviting them out to a movie (a comedy or action, not drama) or out for tea in the evening gives a few moments of welcome distraction. Love in action.

Offer to Pray for them – Ask what they would like prayer for. They may find comfort in knowing that there are others praying for the child they lost and praying for their family. Love.

Acknowledge the Loss – Probably because people don’t know what the correct etiquette in this situation is or because they don’t quite know what to say, often they say nothing. This can hurt the family further as they feel isolated and feel as if their loss has been discounted. Acknowledge the loss the family has experienced. On our daughter’s second birthday, it was heart-wrenching not to be able to celebrate with her or even know if she was ok. Some of our friends came over and had cake with us and we talked about her and acknowledged the day of her birth. It meant so much not to have to get through that day alone or pretend like she didn’t exist. Cry with them. Love.

Talk about the child – You may think that you are being more sensitive not to talk about the child they lost, but it is actually more painful when people avoid the subject and act as if the loss didn’t happen. Reminisce about memories that you have of the child they lost, give them copies of any pictures you may have, ask them questions about the child (when it seems appropriate to do so). If the loss is of a child they never knew like in the case of the loss of a potential adoption, they had dreams and plans and a love that was real even if they never held that child in their arms. Allow them to talk about those things. They will never stop loving that child. Love them by loving that child also.