Foster-to-Adopt

International Adoption vs. Domestic Adoption

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February 13, 2013 By sharla 5 Comments

There are many opinions out there about whether it is better to adopt internationally or within your own country. There are people who feel very strongly that one is superior to the other and I am choosing not to debate that today. I would simply like to share our experience. We have both adopted internationally (siblings from Ethiopia) and domestically (three children through the foster to adopt program). I get asked often which one was better or easier or faster.

Our foster-to-adopt experience was one of the most complicated ones I have ever heard of. Our first attempt at adoption through foster care resulted in us losing the baby girl we had been parenting since she was just three days old twenty months later. It was beyond painful. I miss her every day. Our subsequent three attempts all resulted in us eventually being able to finalize the adoptions but two of them were the epitome of the emotional rollercoaster.

All three of our domestic adoptions are children with special needs which some assume would make the adoptions happen faster but that was not the case for us. Our daughter’s adoption took over four years to be finalized from the day she began living with us. Our son’s adoption was finalized over 5 and a half years after he first came to us and up until the very end, we feared that we would lose him. There were many twists and turns, appeals and possible complications. Even our least complicated foster-to-adopt situation took 17 months to finalize, though that one was much less stressful than the others.

And so it was that after a legal battle and many sleepless nights during the road to our son’s adoption, we decided that international adoption was the way that we would go for our next adoption. I had always wanted to adopt from Africa and I reasoned that it would be easier and faster. I know that some of you reading are chuckling right now!

When we first began to seriously consider an Ethiopian adoption, the program had a long and stable history, referrals were happening within a few months of a completed dossier reaching the country and we felt confident that our adoption would follow that path. It looked like from the start of our paperwork until the time we were able to bring our child home would take one year!

We began our paperwork much sooner than we actually got our completed dossier to Ethiopia because we decided three quarters of the way through to change our request to siblings, so that part of our journey was much longer than for most but even from the time our dossier reached Ethiopia, it took more than a year before we received our referral. At this point, it had been about three years since we had initially applied…not faster than foster-to-adopt would have been after all!

Just one month after receiving our referral, we passed court making us legally parents to our Ethiopian children. We were elated by the speed that this happened and prepared for the five to eight month wait to be issued visas to go and pick the kids up (visas are currently being issued much faster but that was the wait at the time). Just two weeks later, we received word that our adoption agency had gone bankrupt and our kids were running out of food at the orphanage. It was mayhem trying to bring them home, but we were eventually able to get visas issued quickly and did bring the kids home much sooner than we anticipated.

In the end, “easier” is not a word I would ever use to describe our international adoption experience, nor is “faster”. As we adopted older children (ages 7 and 4 at the time of adoption), there were attachment issues, malnutrition, parasites, fungus, and language considerations after bringing them home.

I should also mention another difference between the two. Our foster-to-adoptions cost about $50 each while our international adoptions cost well over $20,000. We also receive post adoption support in the form of respite, money, and access to help for our foster-to-adoptions and there is no post adoption services such as this available for our international adoption.

If I were to base a future decision on just our experience, I don’t know which I would choose to do again. Going back to the very beginning again, I would of course choose to again do both so that we would end up with exactly the same kids in the end. There were pros and cons with each type of adoption. Neither type was easy. Neither was fast. Neither was without heartbreak. Both were exactly what brought us to our children and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Filed Under: Domestic Adoption, Foster-to-Adopt, International Adoption

First Steps

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July 5, 2012 By sharla 1 Comment

author: Marcia

International Adoption? Foster-to-Adoption? Private Domestic Adoption?

So many options…and yet so few.

We are in deliberation, preparation, and praying mode for now. But we took a step this week that would be considered “foreplay”, if we were talking about the old fashioned way to have a baby.

We called the Social Worker in charge of adoption through the government. Our option for a domestic adoption is Foster-to-Adopt. That’s it. Since we truly want a younger child (preferably a baby), and that’s the only way to go, that is our only option. We know that this road is fraught with difficulty, paperwork, dealing with possibly inexperienced Social Workers (and that is one of the more difficult parts), having children here possibly short-term as you NEVER know with fostering. Yes, they would look at us from an adoption perspective, but with this program you are a foster parent first. The bonus is that we would possibly be placed with a baby (with some medical needs or drug exposure) that would otherwise be bopped around from foster home to foster home or wait in one foster home to become legally adoptable and then transition to another forever home. This way, a baby could come here and be our foster child until they are legally free and they would be here from early on (that’s our hope) like our other two babies (the last two).

My heart yearns to do an International Adoption in some ways and in others, I know that to do a domestic adoption is just as “good”. Either way, we expand our family. Either way we open our home to a baby that needs a loving place to call family forever. Either way is going to be HARD.

A few months ago, I was calling out to God, praying that if it were His will that my husband’s heart would be open. My heart broke and yearned to have another baby. My head told me it was impossible for so many reasons. My heart and spirit still cried out. Then my husband opened his heart. His heart and spirit started yearning to have another child. And my prayer was answered. Our heads know that people will think we are crazy. They will say ,“Don’t you have enough?” “Are you sure you are healthy enough for this?” “I think you should not have any more children” “Aren’t you too old for this?” “Can you afford this?” On and on the comments, thoughts or questions will go.

I am ready. I am expecting some really rude/insensitive queries and comments. I am actually praying that the people who may say/think we are crazy and shouldn’t do this will instead be supportive and thrilled for another family member/friend/child. That is my current prayer.

When we were praying about our fourth child we had some very hurtful things said to us. From family. It hurt a lot. I have forgiven and gone on. Those members love our fourth sweetie as much as anyone now. They may not even remember what they said. I hope they hold their tongues this time.

While the road ahead is unknown and we seek God’s guidance every step of our way, we know that God will send what we need when we need it.

The whole thing seems so unrealistic and surreal at this point. But God is the God who does the impossible and the surreal. I can’t wait to see what happens!! The anticipation I am feeling already is like I just did a pregnancy test and I’m waiting to see the little line appear!

Marcia is a stay-at-home mom and pastor’s wife, who rarely stays home and doesn’t act at all like a pastor’s wife. She and her husband, Richard, are blessed to parent four children, all of whom came through the miracle of adoption. Two were adopted through private domestic adoption and two through the Foster-to-Adopt program with the Alberta Government. They are considering adding another child to their family either through an International Waiting Child program or adopting a special needs child from their province. Marcia likes to blog about their life adventures at Love my Life and has started a blog to record their next adoption journey at Running to Eden. Marcia is a regular contributor to Adoption Magazine. Writing a book is her next venture, if she ever catches a break to finish it.

Filed Under: Foster-to-Adopt, Waiting

My eBook is Now Available!!!

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November 28, 2011 By sharla 2 Comments

The reason I first started writing this eBook was similar to the reasons that I started Adoption Magazine. I had myself experienced hard times during different stages of our fostering and adoption journeys and had heard from countless families who were themselves struggling, whether it be in the wait before bringing a new child into their family or in the weeks, months, or years after. A common sentiment expressed was frustration at the lack of education and resources available for families. I often heard words such as overwhelmed, distraught, shocked, anxious, nervous, isolated, guilty, depressed, exhausted, and hopeless. There is no doubt in my mind that adoption and foster care can be very rewarding, but they do not come without cost.

Self-care is one of those things that I am still better at preaching than practising, but that does not diminish its importance. In fact, at the recent FASD Conference I attended, one of the main speakers as well as several of the other speakers stressed the importance of caregiver self-care and that an upcoming concern is the fallout from lack of caregiver self-care, including such things as a shorter life span and treatment for depression and stress-related illnesses. Its priority is often overlooked or minimized.

My hope is that my new eBook, “Shield: A Framework of Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Families” will offer support, practical suggestions, and encouragement to those in all stages of the foster or adoption journey. My desire is for others to learn from some of my mistakes, as well as from my successes. I hope that others will find it helpful.

What you can do:

-of course, I would love it if you would buy the book! Click here to read testimonials and purchase information.

-help spread the word! For this week only, I am offering a 20% discount to anyone who commits to help promote the book by Facebook, twitter, e-mail, word of mouth, or writing a review on their blog. Simply enter the word promote at checkout. (note: this discount not available on Kindle format)

-tell your adoption professional, adoption agency, or foster agency. I believe that getting this into the hands of foster and adoptive families will increase their chances of success.

-become an affiliate. Once you have read the eBook, if you feel that it would be something that you would like to get behind, you can sign up as an affiliate and make 30% commission for each one sold through your affiliate link. Click here for more information.

-pray or wish or hope for this endeavour. I want to reach as many families as I can and help them to feel hopeful and encouraged.

Thank you so much for your support! It means the world to me!

-Sharla

Filed Under: Attachment and Trauma, Books, Domestic Adoption, Foster Care, Foster-to-Adopt, International Adoption, Older Child Adoption, Post Adoption Depression, Special Needs Parenting, Waiting

Honey Bear

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October 3, 2011 By sharla Leave a Comment

author: Marcia

So I was going to write out Honey Bear’s story. Hers is a little different, but no less wonderful than all the rest.

We were fostering Ninja Boy and knew another baby was due in June/July but since we had three kids five and under and were moving to a new town, we just didn’t let the thought of the new baby being placed with us tickle our fancy very much if at all. When Superman was looking for churches to apply to, we had to stay within the region that we were in b/c of the fostering rules/complications etc. So we moved quite a distance from where we were but still remained in the region. We moved, found out some major repairs in our house had to be done, tried to settle in, had a little vacation (haha) and Superman started his job. I have to say, it was not an easy transition for me to make. I missed my friends and my home (much bigger rental farm house), and my church that we had left. The town we moved into was very small, very remote (to my way of thinking) and the closest city (if you could call it that) annoyed me with their lack of shopping, poor infrastructure, support and amenities. Sorry if I’m offending any of my town dwellers, but that is how I saw it then. I missed being close to the big city and my friends…did I mention I missed my friends?

Anyways, we were trying to adjust to all that when we got a call from the Social Worker in charge of N’s case and she asked if we were going to take the next baby, N’s bro/sister? As I’ve mentioned with my other kiddos, I’ve had a “feeling” that I believe was God planting our child in my heart, and I had a feeling that we would have another girl (and that she would be a sister to our baby boy)…I felt that before even Ninja Boy came to our home. So with this in mind, I felt that this was our baby. Superman, at the time, was overwhelmed with all the changes, as were we all. We asked our Social Worker (the one in charge of the Foster Parents) if we could have a month to think and pray about it. I’m pretty sure if we had said no to the baby, we would have lost Ninja Boy, but we didn’t want to make our decision totally based on that. We wanted God’s will. Since I was convinced and Superman wasn’t, I knew I had to let Superman do his thinking and praying and couldn’t push us into a decision. The SW’s said that they had never done this before, but they would place the baby in a temporary home not too far from us so that we could make our decision. When the baby was born all we knew was that it was a girl. I was even more certain, but quietly waited while Superman pondered. When we heard the baby’s name, Superman said “I think she is meant to be ours”. We then started the process (which meant we had to wait for SW’s to come back from holidays etc) and two visits and two weeks later we brought our daughter home. She was a big girl at almost 10lbs at birth and she didn’t slow down. I had wanted to savor our last baby, but with four kids five yrs and under it was a dream that quickly went to the wayside. I remember that Honey Bear slept really well until supper prep hour then all the dickens would break loose and I would frantically throw things together and toss it on the table as children wailed. It was a very chaotic, frenzied time, but I wouldn’t change it. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? LOL! I sometimes wonder how we survived that time of our lives, but God was so gracious and kept showing me the abundant blessings surrounding me. At times, I couldn’t see all the blessings for all the poopy diapers, but they were there. I think God has a fantastic sense of humor, and when I asked for kids, he said “Ok then! Here they are!” We waited seven yrs. for our first child and then it was all over and done with in a little over five yrs. Oy! Five newborns in five yrs (including our foster son we had for 5 months)…that is probably why I’m so buff now..ha! I have post adoption weight issues…

So even though we didn’t really plan four kids in five yrs and sometimes have wondered if we had gone collectively nuts, I am ever-so-thankful that God saw fit to trust us with these amazing children. Now that the pace is not as frantic, the diapers are not quite as abundant, and three out of four are potty trained, I have a little more time to savor the moments. Can there be times of intense freakiness? Oh yah! But there are even more times of tenderness, love, poignant conversations and don’t forget hilarity.

Marcia and her husband have four children. All four were adopted through either private domestic adoption or foster-to-adopt. They live in rural Alberta where her husband pastors a small church. A newfound hobby is writing on her blog, where she writes about the crazy life with kids who have a constant need for adventure and have put an end to her previously boring life. Secretly, she enjoys the insanity. Her blog can be found at Love My Life

Filed Under: Family Stories, Foster-to-Adopt

Story of Our Blondie Boy

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July 3, 2011 By sharla 1 Comment

author: Marcia

Smiles today

Four years ago…our wee baby boy!

Four years ago, we were investigating and taking steps to adopt a baby girl from China. We always have felt the pull towards international adoption but the process and fees seemed astronomical to us. We felt overwhelmed, at that moment in time, with just two little kiddos. One had sensory processing disorder and developmental delays and the other was super active and very strong willed. Both were incredible blessings to us and we wondered if our family was done. We figured we would step out in faith and see where the process for a Chinese adoption would take us and knew it would probably take a few years to see it through. It gave us time for our littles to grow up some more and for us to be more ready. We had also renewed our paperwork for Foster to Adopt, not really thinking anything would come of it. We had been told again and again that babies may or may not become available and b/c it was a rural area, it just was a thing they could not predict. So we renewed our license and didn’t really think too much about it again. One morning, after we had taken the International Adoption class, and we were getting ready to commit to the next big step in the process, Superman mentioned that he just didn’t know how we would do it financially. We talked for several moments and we talked about how God would have to provide miraculously. We mentioned that we would have to make big sacrifices to save and possibly hold fundraisers as well. We let the matter drop and went on with breakfast prep. A few minutes after our conversation, the phone rang. As soon as I heard Superman say “Hi D**” I knew he was calling about our baby. Superman said that he wanted me on the line, so I raced for the second phone. He told us a baby boy had been born the night before and needed a home. It looked like it would go to adoption, but as in all foster to adopt cases, the risk was there. We asked if we could call him back and hung up the phone. We looked at each other and basically said “that is our answer right there”. What I haven’t mentioned is that I really felt in my heart that we were going to have a baby boy next (through foster care) and that he would have a sister that would become ours too. I feel that God has placed each child in my heart like this and I could mention the “feelings” I had with J and B as well. We just knew this was God answering our prayers and we said yes. I received a call from the office that was dealing with N’s case a little while later. The SW asked when we could be there and I said “how about after lunch, say one-ish?” That would give me time to find child care for the other two, get things ready and get there (about a 40 minute drive). She said that the baby was at the office now and the sooner the better. I raced around looking for what I needed and realized my car seat had mouse poop in it. No time for washing, I just shook it out, prayed over it and put a blanket over it to protect the baby. Washing was going to have to wait. All of us decided to get in the van and go. So along the way, we stopped at a friend’s to pick up a bassinet. What excitement as we raced to go see this tiny little creature we didn’t even know the name of! We got there and were ushered in to fill out paperwork and change him out of his only garment…a poopy hospital gown. By that afternoon, we were home, the kids were excited and company was on their way (planned ahead of time). Superman’s brother and family came that night and it was great timing to meet their very new nephew. Of course, b/c it was foster care, the system put us through many bouts of anxiety. We thought many times that this little boy would have to go somewhere else b/c of certain circumstances. We prayed so hard and hoped just as much. As difficult as we sometimes felt being a parent of two was, when N came home, it was like peace descended. He was the easiest adjustment by far. The kids seemed to settle, we were at ease with the whole baby thing and it was great. He had medical issues and almost was at the point of “failure to thrive” b/c of his reflux but it was just amazing how God gave us peace. What a blessing he has been, as all of them have been. This little blue eyed blonde captured the hearts of many when he entered our lives and he still has the ability to make people smile. His personality makes him hard to miss in a crowd and his funny antics keep us laughing. It has NOT always been funny. We have horror stories involving poop, duct tape, bumps, bruises, and now stitches…but the stories always seem to end up entertaining us nonetheless. Happy birthday, Ninja Boy! You are a shining star in our lives and we are so thankful to call you SON.