Adopting a Child Living with HIV Information Evening

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March 29, 2012 By Leave a Comment

The Children’s Bridge is presenting an Information Evening on Adopting a Child Living with HIV.  The goal is to provide information to those who are considering, or already are in the process of adopting a child living with HIV or for family and friends of the adopting family wanting to learn more.  The event will also be useful to adoption practitioners.  *This event is open to all families, not just those families adopting through The Children’s Bridge.

This event is a wonderful opportunity to learn more about:

  • Basic facts about HIV – transmission, treatment and risk factors
  • Parenting a child living with HIV
  • Psycho-social issues such as stigma, discrimination and disclosure
  • Anti-retroviral treatments including information regarding provincial drug plans and insurance
  • Resources and support groups in Ontario
  • The adoption process – countries/programs, the citizenship and immigration process, including HIV in your homestudy

Special Guest Speaker: Dr. Anne-Marie Zajdlik (Masai Centre, Guelph, HIV/AIDS pediatrician)

When: Saturday, April 14th, 2012, 7:00PM to 9:00PM

Where: Holiday Inn, 2565 Argentia Road, Mississauga, Ontario

Suggested Donation: $10/per person or $20 per family to the Bracelet of Hope Foundation:                   http://www.braceletofhope.ca

***Any donations to The Bracelet of Hope Campaign can be made on the evening of the Information Session. Small items will also be available for sale with all proceeds going towards various HIV/AIDS related charities.

Please RSVP by April 6th, 2012 to Karyn Bakelaar (Program Manager HIV & Kids Adoption Program) at karyn.bakelaar@childrensbridge.com.

Filed Under: Adoption Seminars, HIV+ Adoption

"You Can’t Save Them All"

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March 24, 2011 By 3 Comments
author:  Tova
If I had a nickel….
For every time some smart ass person, says “Ya know? You can’t save them all.”
Well, I’d have enough for an overpriced large Chai latte, with soy and whip.
How I want to respond is this:
*Flounce, roll eye balls dramatically*

And say:
“DUH”

But I don’t.
Mostly because some of the people I love a lot have said that. And I know that those people are saying it because they are worried. They are worried for our finances, our sanity, or energy and our life in 10 years, when we have a 17, 15, 13 and 12 year old.
Ha ha ha…that thought just makes me laugh…And I’m not telling if it’s a “i can’t wait” kind of laugh, or a hysterical, fearful laugh.

I digress.
Anyway, so how do I handle this? I’m really asking. What do you say or respond with when someone says that to you?
Cause this is what I really want to say.
(When I’m not being a brat.)

My disclaimer: Please do not read anything below as me saying I think everyone should adopt. I don’t. FAR from it. But I do think that lots more people could adopt, and even more could support adopting families in a multitude of ways.

I know I can’t save ‘them’ all. I really do get that as a fact. I can’t save ‘them’ all. But maybe, if we started thinking of our community as global, then first of all, it wouldn’t be a ‘them’. It would be an ‘us’ and an ‘ours’. Then I wouldn’t get people angry that I am draining our medical system on caring for a child from another country.
‘That’s their problem, they should deal with it, why should I have to pay for it?’ or  ‘So who’s paying for this child’s medicine? It’s not fair if it’s the taxpayers when you chose to bring her here.’

And thinking of our children, in the global sense, needing homes, food, families, medical care, love and attention, changes ones’ perspective, doesn’t it?
And don’t tell me that if that’s how I feel, I should adopt from the local ministry. We’ve talked about that here. Each to their own passion and expertise.

So if I start thinking of the ‘them’ children, as ‘our’ children, suddenly, it makes  sense to think about and assess whether we can raise another child well. Do we have the room? Yes. Do we have the energy? Most days. Do we have the finances? Almost. And most importantly, do we have the room in our heart?
Duh. 

The flip side to the ‘you can’t save them all’ comment is this.
It implies that I am doing these adoptions to save children. This is a murky, murky topic. It’s not black and white, and it’s easy to offend lots of people when having an opinion on this.
As Keltie just said ‘once we have our children home, we don’t sit around staring at them, saying “I saved you!” nor do our children sit around saying “you saved me!” Far from it.’
When we first started our adoption journey 6 years ago, we were quite clear about it. We wanted more children. I was not prepared to undergo what I needed to do, in order to have a biological child again. And adoption was something I had wanted to do for years. Not really much of a stretch for us. It was a viable and wonderful way for us to build our family.
Then it happened. And I’ve seen this happen to many of us adoptive families.
You go into the country your child was born in. You spend time in the culture. You see. Like really, really see the reality of life for the children in institutions.
It broke me. In a way that is hard to explain. It also taught me things aboutLove and Joy and Hope that I had never seen or experienced before.
You could say that with this current adoption we are going to  ‘save’ this child. It’s easy to say that this time. Her reality is not a long life in her country. In Canada, we can offer her the potential for a long life.
And don’t argue with me that I should just send the money to a program that provides ARV’s to African countries. Just read 28 Stories by Stephanie Nolan.

But. I still feel like this is also about us, and our part of the world, than just simply about her. It’s also about adding to our family, building our little clan. Bringing more fun, joy, laughter, chaos and family’ness’ to our home. It just happens that we need her, and she needs us. Isn’t that what family is supposed to be about?
And (here’s where I might offend some of you) I think that people use “I can’t save them all” as an excuse. I know loads of people who think that, and use it in many aspects of their life. (adoption, recycling, cutting back in your budget, following one of your passions, etc) I know you’ve done it because I do it all the time too. Sometimes it’s self preservation. I get that. Other times it is just cop out. I know this too because I’m good at it.
I do wonder what our adopted children will be like when they grow up. Will they think that the “I can’t save them all” is an offensive statement? Or will they agree?
So if you are brushing something off as ‘there’s no point, or I can’t make a difference, or I can’t do it all, or I can’t save them all’  maybe we need to all take a deep breath, stop for a moment, and ask ourselves if it’s about ‘saving’? Or about living well? Side by side? If it’s about being present in our world and caring for our own. I think our definition of ‘own’, needs to change.  It matters in our beautiful messed up world whether we give up and walk away, or whether we try. Try in our imperfect, and real ways.  And it’s not about doing good. It’s not about saving ‘them’. It’s about people belonging to people. It’s about being family, knowing that I will be there for you, and you will be there for me.
While I am not at all unaware of the reality for many of the world’s orphans, of their future, or lack thereof, we didn’t start adopting in order to save children. I really hope I don’t offend the people who have turned adoption into a ministry, but for me it’s not that. I sometimes wish it was. When trying to decide whether to start this adoption, I would try and pray. To get quiet and still and wait for that sense. You know, that peace about a certain decision. I desperately wanted a sign. A sense. And I didn’t hear anything. NOTHING. I felt like I may as well have been praying to the dog.
The thing that tipped the balance for me was this.
Life.

To choose life, to be exact.
There was a stage of my life where I was really sick. And was coming to terms with some more intense aspects of my life. Basically, everything sucked. And I read a story about how we all have to make a choice. A fundamental, who we are, foundational choice. Do we choose those things that mean life? As this story put it, do we choose the wedding or the funeral. The story made it clear that choosing life wasn’t always easy. In fact, it is sometimes much harder.
To proceed with adopting this little girl is so much more than saving her, or saving me, or making us feel good, or building our family. It’s much bigger, and smaller. Adopting ‘Joy’ makes the most sense of almost anything I’ve ever done, and it also is one of the biggest contradictions in our culture.
It’s choosing life.
It’s about acknowledging that the children, all of our children,  in our world are beautiful, dynamic people who  make our lives, our little planet, more fabulous. And when we brush them off by saying ‘I can’t save them all’ or labeling some of them ‘unadoptable/unwanted’ you devalue the importance, the uniqueness, the sacredness and the beauty of all our children.
When we start to view our world as the village, then raising the village’s children will be the normal response.


Tova and her husband have 3 children at home and one on the way. (Bio, Liberia, Swaziland and a country in southern Africa in process) Tova loves to talk and write about all things African adoption, attachment, PTSD, HIV adoption, and more at: wholetthishappen.wordpress.com

Filed Under: Adoption, HIV+ Adoption