Older Child Adoption

Cocooning Conclusion

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May 13, 2013 By sharla Leave a Comment

Many of you have been helped by reading Denise’s previous posts on Cocooning (Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3) and today, she is sharing her experience now that they have finished cocooning with their daughter.

If we aren’t careful, parenting can be such a minefield of opinions and judgments. Adoptive parenting is certainly no exception. I have had much loving support in our decision to cocoon, but I have also had opposition. Some people seem to feel judged by my posts because they chose not to cocoon. Others had never heard of it and wish they had known of this option when their child first came home which has resulted in some feelings of regret.

If there is one thing I keep learning over and over again, it is that it is always dangerous to judge other people’s parenting choices. There are so many things I have done that I swore I would never do… or have not done that I was sure I would do!

I can honestly tell you that cocooning was incredibly hard. Much harder than I expected it to be. And I am an introvert by nature – so I can only assume it might be even that much harder on an extroverted mother. What made cocooning so hard was not so much the isolation from the world, but it was the insanity in our home coupled with the isolation from the world. At one point, I searched through blogs about cocooning and saw how many mothers started out with intentions to cocoon, but simply couldn’t keep it up. I considered quitting as well (many times) – but Giselle’s needs and temperament simply wouldn’t allow it.

I have heard that bringing a child home in the toddler years is one of the hardest/worst times to bring about this huge life change for them. They are not so young that they don’t notice the changes, and they are not so old as to understand any explanations given to them. All they know is, “that was my home, and these people took me away”. Of course each situation is unique, and each child is unique in how they perceive life and handle change.

Saying goodbye to her Haitian Nana.

First days with us. I knew she was stressed, but now I can see the intensity of it on her face.

Do I think cocooning is a must in every adoption situation? Not necessarily to the degree we did. But I do think it is important for families to know about this option and to seriously consider it for their family. I think it would be ideal for families to prepare for the possibility that their child will need this, but certainly not all children will need to cocoon to the extent that Giselle did.

I am so very thankful we were already prepared to do this – mentally and in our family’s scheduling. I can only imagine that Giselle’s healing would have taken much, much longer had we not cocooned. She was the type of child who needed this SO incredibly much, and now that we are 8 months into getting to know her, I am absolutely certain that we would have years and years of repercussions to deal with down the road had we not taken her into her new world very slowly.

How do I know this? When she first came home, she slept absolutely horribly. She cried and whined a good part of the night – she really was traumatized by her transport into this completely different world. If I had to make an outing for any reason (ie – the grocery store for some milk, or to the bank), she would sleep even worse that night. One sure trigger every single time was if another person would come up to her, look her in the eye and talk to her. Then I knew it was game over for sure – we weren’t sleeping for at least the next 3 nights.

This became even more evident at around 3-4 months home when she finally started sleeping a bit better. Any new stress during the day would result in a very restless, fitful sleep again. I was expecting to cocoon for 6 weeks. I counted down the days anxiously. At the end of 4 weeks we could manage a quick shopping trip without too much trauma. But she was nowhere near okay at 6 weeks. And so I dug my heals in for the 3 month mark. By 3 months home, we could do a quick visit at one or two close friends/family. They could come to our house for even shorter visits with minimal “damage”. But she would still get easily confused as to who the new “mother” was, and which one she should be listening to and going to for her needs.

At 4.5 months home, we had planned to go visit family for Christmas (an 8 hour road trip). But after a busy week, and a few Christmas parties, she fell apart and I knew there was no way we could make the trip. So we adjusted our plans (after grieving a little bit) to hunker down for a quiet Christmas at home.

At 7 months home, I finally saw a huge jump in her confidence about where she fit into our family, and that our family unit is consistent. It does not change. People might visit, but they will leave; our family unit doesn’t change. Family members might leave, but they always come back because our family unit doesn’t change. People can talk sweetly to her and maybe even pick her up and that’s okay, but she still knows to whom she belongs.

I saw this so evident in our trip to visit family at Easter. While at Christmas she still felt very insecure if someone spoke sweetly to her and got in her space… at Easter, family she had never met were doing those same things, but it didn’t seem to make her feel insecure about my relationship with her. That was a huge relief! I didn’t even realize how hyper-vigilant I had become about how people would talk to her, how close they were or how much eye contact they tried to make – because those things would always pull her away from me and confused her. On this trip, I would pull her aside a few times per day and make sure we played our little games to connect with each other. She was always willing to connect, and then would happily go off to play. In the past, when feeling unsure, she would always pull away from me and resist connection.

Our trip hasn’t been without payback. She has reverted back to some of her old tricks of screaming and tantruming instead of using her words. Of being rough with the other kids, defiant to me and some control battles. But they are manageable and still in a context of feeling connected with me.

In conclusion, cocooning was a lifesaver for our family. While it was incredibly hard, the rewards of it are beyond measure for Giselle, and the therefore. general peace of our family – because she is at peace. The gift that cocooning gives, is giving a baseline of “normal” for your child. Because at about 6 weeks home when she was adjusting and becoming more comfortable in our family, we could see her at her “normal”. Then when she was in a situation she found stressful, we could see her stress coming out in ways that weren’t her normal. Without that baseline, I don’t know how I would have known to read her cues.

The drawback to cocooning was my extreme loneliness on top of the fatigue and stress. That didn’t help our bonding as I was easily frustrated and upset. In hindsight, we should have had Darren take paternity leave for at least 1-3 months. I think it would have set us up for better ways of dealing with stressful situations at home that I just didn’t have the chance to implement on my own. I was literally trying to survive moment by moment. The challenge now is to unlearn some of my ways of dealing with Giselle and to work more on making our relationship more fun.

Thank you for so many of you who have encouraged, understood and supported our decision to allow Giselle to adjust to her new life at her own pace. Some days that understanding was what helped me to get through just one more day. And you all share in the rewards now – as she is, for the most part, a happy and confident little girl.

In her own words…

“Daddy, Mommy, Kylar, Amara and Giselle. Everybody my family! Giselle happy family!”

Denise and her husband are blessed to be the parents of one son by birth and two daughters by adoption (from the USA and Haiti). Denise is a regular contributor at Adoption Magazine and blogs at Pressing In.

Filed Under: Adoption, Older Child Adoption

The Missing Years

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April 29, 2013 By sharla Leave a Comment

The first time I met my son Snuggle Puppy he was 7 years old. My daughter Dancing Queen was 4. That day, I didn’t give much thought to the missing years, the ones they had lived before me.

It’s been three and a half years now and those missing years get thought about a lot these days. Snuggle Puppy has some concrete memories about his life in Ethiopia, his life before the orphanage, his life before us. Dancing Queen doesn’t remember anything concrete. Her memories consist of bits and pieces sewn together from things she’s heard and pictures she’s seen. Yet they both ask me things that I will never be able to answer.

How old were they when they took their first steps? What was their first word? How much did they weigh when they were born? Was she always afraid of the dark? Has he always loved spicy food? What did they look like as babies?

Oh, what I wouldn’t give to see a baby picture of them, to see any picture of them before the first ones we have of them at 7 and 4, standing in front of the orphanage wall.

I know that when they have their babies, they will want to know again what they looked like as a baby and I will be wondering it too. I know that when they get married, we will be missing years of pictures to put in the slide show.

But it’s more than that. It’s beginning to feel like a loss for me, those missing years of my children’s lives. I grieve it sometimes, wish I could have been there, wish I could have known them, held them, nursed them, sung them to sleep. Wish I could have protected them from all that was to come.

Those missing years are hard for them too. They feel divided loyalty. They sit and look at our family photo albums from the years before they came and say they wish they had been here, but then feel badly for the years they would have missed with their first mom. They sometimes say that they wish they had grown in my belly and then half an hour later, act out and I know that it is because of guilt they are feeling because it’s like they wished their first mom away. Because adoption is complicated.

My oldest turned 18 last week. He was born to me so I have been there since before he took his last breath. I found myself reflecting on all those little baby details, the expressions on his little face when he was dreaming, the way he sighed sometimes just after falling asleep, the brightness of his eyes in the morning, the surprise at his finding his voice, the delight of discovering his toes. As I thought back on those precious memories, it was bittersweet. My baby boy is no longer a baby, but an adult, but that was not the only thing that made the memories bittersweet.

It was again the loss of those missing years with two of my kids, those unknowns that can never be known, those memories that I was not around to share, the moments that are lost forever because they cannot remember and I was not there. God was there. He saw their first steps, heard their first word. He held them even before their mom did. I think maybe I can find some comfort in that. I hope that someday they can too.

Filed Under: Older Child Adoption

Age in Adoption

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January 18, 2013 By sharla Leave a Comment

Age in adoption…There are so many things a title like that could mean. In adoption, there are often requirements that set out the minimum and maximum ages of adoptive parents. Then of course in international adoption, there is often a discrepancy in a child’s paper (legal) age and their actual age. We encountered that with our internationally adopted children and that is a topic that will certainly be discussed here in another post.

Today though, the age I’m referring to is a child’s functional age…where they are in terms of emotional development. It is not uncommon for children who are adopted at older ages to be behind their same-age peers in areas such as social, emotional and even cognitive development. This is something that can cause alarm in adoptive parents as they seek to discover the cause of this delay.

Recently, our daughter’s psychiatrist asked us to adjust our expectations and thoughts of her in terms of her age to the length of time she has been with us. In other words, even though she is actually eight, he asked us to think of her in terms of being three and a half because she has been with us for three and a half years. I can’t tell you the relief that has given me. It is logical to me that there are areas of her development that would not have even started until she was not only with us, but until she began to feel safe with us. It makes sense to me that she likes to play with other children who are at her same stage, which explains why her best friend is our four year old neighbour. By allowing myself to let go of the worry of how behind she is by replacing the age I think of her as has been very freeing for me. If she really were three and a half, I would be thrilled with how she is progressing.

Another thing that can affect functional age is trauma. If a child experiences a trauma, they can become “stuck” at the stage of developmental they were at when the trauma occurred. One thing parents can do to help move them through this is to allow them to go through all the “normal” stages that children go through at that age. For example, if your child was moved to an orphanage at the age of one, chiding them for “babyish” behaviour will not age them more quickly but allowing them to return to that stage and go through some of what would have been normal (being snuggled in a blanket, being rocked and sung to, drinking from a sippy cup, etc.) can actually allow them to move more quickly through that stage and onto the next one.

Children who are adopted at older ages generally do catch up in terms of their delays as we have certainly seen to be the case with our son who has also been with us for three and a half years. He was seven at the time that he came home and although initially, he was emotionally much younger than that, he is now pretty on par with his actual age.

There are many variables at work (trauma, attachment, number of placements prior to coming to you, any special needs that might exist) that affect how quickly a child adjusts and begins to move more quickly through the developmental phases until they reach their actual age. Patience and understanding can go a long way towards helping them navigate through successfully.

Filed Under: Older Child Adoption

From Instamom to Mom: How Heidi Felt Like a Four Letter Word

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September 11, 2012 By sharla 2 Comments

author: Heidi Marr

I’ve been pondering the definition of Mother – and more specifically, Mom – for years. Many dictionaries I’ve consulted state very clearly that a mother is someone who gave birth to a child and/or has raised the child since birth, loving him or her unconditionally. Such definitions ignore my status: I’m a mother who did not give birth to my children nor has raised either of my kids from infancy or even their toddler years. Furthermore, I had to learn to love both kids, discounting the unconditional love theory in our situation. I can assure you, it did not happen overnight.

When Hope and Cody moved in with us, they were ten and seven—old enough to remember their chaotic pasts yet young enough to need a mommy. However, neither Hope nor Cody seemed to understand the true meaning of the word, Mom. In their experiences, mother figures were transient. Their birth mother was unpredictable and neglectful. Their foster mother was kind but temporary. And then there was me: Adoptive Mom.

I started acting like a mom immediately that first year. I did all the things I thought a good mother should do: I ensured our kids brushed their teeth at least three times a day; I made healthy lunches; I patched up skinned knees and broken hearts. I took my daughter bra-shopping for the first time and passed the bucket the night my son vomited on me twenty-seven times. I was there to cheer him on when he made the travel hockey team only a year after learning to skate. Not only was I a hockey mom, but I was a soccer mom and a gymnastics mom. Yet, I still wasn’t “Mom” to our kids.

One of the best things about adopting older children is that they come into your lives already knowing how to communicate. They can tell you, “I’m scared” or, “I’m sad” or, “I miss my friends / foster family / favourite dinky car / old school / old neighbourhood / old life”. When my husband and I welcomed Hope and Cody into our lives, their ages meant we could get to know them quickly. We discovered early on in Hope shared a fondness for sushi. Cody told us he had an intense dislike for being bored. On a deeper level, both kids could articulate their hopes and dreams – they were thoroughly excited to be part of a Real Family. Both could share their fears and regrets.

One of my personal regrets is that we were introduced to the kids as “Heidi and Adam” rather than their new “Mom and Dad”. When uttered from one of our kids’ mouths, the name Heidi took on a whole new meaning for me. It stung with things unsaid: “You’re not my real Mom so I’ll call you Heidi.” “You didn’t give birth to me so I’ll call you Heidi.” “There will always be a distance between us so I’ll call you Heidi.”

Looking back, I believe that hearing Heidi-this and Heidi-that in the early months of our adoption impacted my ability to bond with our kids immediately, causing me to hold them at a distance. I came into the adoption hurting after years of infertility. While I recognize that our children also came into the adoption hurting and therefore did not think of me as their Mom immediately, it still hurt. Try as I might, I could not shake my overwhelming sense of disappointment and loss over something I had yet to experience.

Cody caved first. A few months after moving in, as I tucked him into bed he exclaimed, “I love you, Mommy!” Angels sang and trumpets sounded at those sweet words. Over the next six months, he used Heidi/Adam and Mom/Dad interchangeably so we created a game to help his transition: if he used my given name, I’d ask, “Who?” and he’s smile and reply, “Mom” sheepishly. Gradually, as our trust grew and our relationship solidified, Cody put Heidi and Adam aside and called us Mom and Dad without issue.

Hope was a different story altogether; she blatantly refused to entertain the idea that we were anything but Heidi and Adam to her. After several months together, we sought input from a social worker, child youth worker, play therapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist. All agreed that most older adopted children called their new parents Mom and Dad within six months. Some stretched that out to a year. While it seemed to be taking Hope significantly longer than normal to call us Mom and Dad, all other signs of attachment looked positive so we were instructed to let our daughter find her way to us in her own time. We were to be patient.

Patience has never been my strong point. A year came and went. Eighteen months came and went. Just when I became convinced Hope would never call us by the words I so longed to hear, a strange thing happened and our pre-teen attempted to call my husband Dad for the first time! Angels sang and trumpets sounded, albeit quietly for I doubt anyone has used that word with less enthusiasm. It was as if Hope turned into a robot every time she had to get his attention. After a few weeks, she also tried Mom on for size. When she first started to use the labels Mom and Dad, she did so completely devoid of emotion and an entirely new set of angst emerged: I now worried that we (OK, I) guilted her into it.

Skipping ahead, our family celebrates our third anniversary this month. At some point during this past year, our daughter shed her robotic alter-ego and embraced the habit of calling us Mom and Dad exclusively. Friends and family comment on the change frequently. It’s now clear to everyone that Hope is not just paying us lip service; she finally considers us to be her parents.

Heidi, Adam, Hope and Cody

Our kids will always have their birth mother and she will always hold a special place in their hearts. I honestly don’t want to replace her. But I did adopt them with the full intention of becoming their Mom. I may not have given birth to them but I will be here for the long haul. After two and a half years of hearing it from Cody and a glorious year of hearing it from Hope, I have yet to tire of hearing Mom in reference to myself. Throughout our adoption journey, this simple word has taken on a new meaning for me, along with others like it: Dad, Daughter, Son, Family. Angels sing and trumpets sound every single time one of our kids calls me Mom and I doubt that will ever change. At least I hope not. Because I love that sound and all that it stands for. Mom.

Heidi Marr became InstaMom to Hope and Cody when they moved in with she and her husband in September 2009. Her article – Ten Things We Wish Someone Had Told Us Before We Adopted – first appeared in the Adoption Council of Ontario’s (ACO) eNewsletter (March, 2011) and later in the June 2011 issue of Creating Families Magazine. Heidi is a regular panel presenter at PRIDE training for prospective adoptive parents in Milton and Burlington and has also spoken at an Adoptive Families in Waiting group session in London, Ontario. She is co-presenting A Journey Through Placement… What We Learned From Each Other: An Adoption Practitioner and Adoptive Parent’s Reflections at the Toronto ACO Education Day in October, 2012. Email Heidi at InstaMom.Heidi@gmail.com or Like her on Facebook: www.facebook.com/InstaMom.Heidi.

Filed Under: Adoption, Family Stories, Older Child Adoption

Your Child’s First Day Home

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September 6, 2012 By sharla 2 Comments

I got a wonderful e-mail question last week asking about what to do on your newly adopted child’s first day home. When bringing home a newborn, most people are well versed in what to do and if they aren’t, there are a myriad of books and advice available. But what about bringing home a two year old or a six year old or an eleven year old or even a fifteen year old? There aren’t many books to address how to begin your parenting journey with a toddler, preschooler, tween or teen.

During our eight years as foster parents, we experienced the “first day” many times and we experienced it again as adoptive parents to older children a few years ago. While each situation has its own unique circumstances, there are some things you can do to make that first day easier for you and for your new child.

1. Introduce yourself. This may seem like an obvious one but your child will likely be feeling overwhelmed and scared and even if someone else has tried to explain who you are before the meeting or if they have met you before, they may be unsure of what to call you. Depending on the age of the child, you may wish to involve them in this decision. With a toddler, it is probably best if you introduce yourself as “mommy” and “daddy” or whatever version you want to be called. With an older child, they may be more comfortable calling you “auntie” or by your first name until they feel ready to call you “mom”. But be sure that the choices you give them are ones that you are comfortable with. If you give them the choice to call you by your first name, they may continue to do that for quite some time and you need to be sure that you are okay with that before presenting them with that option.

2. Give them a tour. Take them on a short tour of your home being sure to point out important areas such as the bathroom(s), where they will be sleeping, where you will be sleeping and if it’s okay to come to your room or call out to you in the night if they are afraid. Let them know where things like towels and extra toilet paper are. Also show them where to put their things. If they are used to temporary foster homes, they may be used to living out of a suitcase or more likely, out of a plastic bag. Pointing out the dresser drawers and closet space where they can unpack their clothing will help them to feel a bit more stable. It can also be a nice touch to have a gift waiting to welcome them in their room.

3. Feed them. Very quickly after arriving in your home, your new child should be given something to eat and reassured that there will be food available. Many older children coming into an adoption situation have experienced hunger whether it be through neglect or poverty and will need a lot of assurance that food will be readily available. I always liked to open the pantry and fridge for them so that they had a visual of the food as well as letting them know that we would always have breakfast, lunch, supper and snacks. I also told them that they were welcome to help themselves to fruits and vegetables at any time. This is also a good time to ask them if there are foods that they especially like or foods that they don’t like or are allergic to. (as this first day is an exhausting, emotional one for you too, I suggest jotting their food preferences down so that you don’t forget)

4. House rules. Take time to go over the basic house rules. This is not the time to go over every nuance and detail but to have a sit down mini meeting that lays out the non-negotioable house rules and clearly states what the consequences would be for breaking them. I cannot state the importance of this enough. Many people don’t want to talk about this on the first day because they want things to be as warm and welcoming as possible for the child, but this is actually something your child WANTS and NEEDS to know. They may have come from a situation where they experienced abuse or a very chaotic life. Setting boundaries will make them feel safe while laying out the consequences for breaking the rules will begin to address the fears they may have about being abused in your home. I suggest no more than five rules for this meeting and that the rules and consequences be written out and then hung up in an area where they can be seen. With tweens and teens, you may also want to have them sign the page.

5. Cocoon. For many parents, the wait for an adoptive child has been a long one and they are excited to have their family and friends meet their new child. While this is understandable, having visitors over or going out will only add to the feelings of insecurity and being overwhelmed that the child is already experiencing. Be prepared to cocoon for an extended period of time especially when adopting older children. This not only allows the child to begin to understand the permanence of this (adoptive) placement, but it sets the foundation for healthy attachment to begin. For those not familiar with cocooning, please read the three part series explaining why to cocoon, what cocooning is and how friends and family can support you during this time of transition.