My eBook is Now Available!!!

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November 28, 2011 By 2 Comments

The reason I first started writing this eBook was similar to the reasons that I started Adoption Magazine.  I had myself experienced hard times during different stages of our fostering and adoption journeys and had heard from countless families who were themselves struggling, whether it be in the wait before bringing a new child into their family or in the weeks, months, or years after.  A common sentiment expressed was frustration at the lack of education and resources available for families.  I often heard words such as overwhelmed, distraught, shocked, anxious, nervous, isolated, guilty, depressed, exhausted, and hopeless.  There is no doubt in my mind that adoption and foster care can be very rewarding, but they do not come without cost.

Self-care is one of those things that I am still better at preaching than practising, but that does not diminish its importance.  In fact, at the recent FASD Conference I attended, one of the main speakers as well as several of the other speakers stressed the importance of caregiver self-care and that an upcoming concern is the fallout from lack of caregiver self-care, including such things as a shorter life span and treatment for depression and stress-related illnesses.  Its priority is often overlooked or minimized.

My hope is that my new eBook, “Shield: A Framework of Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Families” will offer support, practical suggestions, and encouragement to those in all stages of the foster or adoption journey.  My desire is for others to learn from some of my mistakes, as well as from my successes.  I hope that others will find it helpful.

What you can do:

-of course, I would love it if you would buy the book! Add to Cart Click here to read testimonials and purchase information.

-help spread the word!  For this week only, I am offering a 20% discount to anyone who commits to help promote the book by Facebook, twitter, e-mail, word of mouth, or writing a review on their blog.  Simply enter the word promote at checkout.  (note: this discount not available on Kindle format)

-tell your adoption professional, adoption agency, or foster agency.  I believe that getting this into the hands of foster and adoptive families will increase their chances of success.

-become an affiliate.  Once you have read the eBook, if you feel that it would be something that you would like to get behind, you can sign up as an affiliate and make 30% commission for each one sold through your affiliate link.  Click here for more information.

-pray or wish or hope for this endeavour.  I want to reach as many families as I can and help them to feel hopeful and encouraged.

Thank you so much for your support!  It means the world to me!

-Sharla

Filed Under: Attachment and Trauma, Books, Domestic Adoption, Foster Care, Foster-to-Adopt, International Adoption, Older Child Adoption, Post Adoption Depression, Special Needs Parenting, Waiting

FASD Conference Wrap-Up Day One

(This post may contain affiliate links. For more information, see my disclosure policy.)

November 24, 2011 By 2 Comments

I returned last night from Calgary, Alberta, where a friend and I had attended the FASD Conference.  I was hoping to be able to provide an overview of the information I learned, but don’t know how I could possibly do it justice!  It was an amazing conference with so much information jam packed into two days.  As I cannot hope to pass along all that I learned, I will try to provide you in the coming days with as many resources as I can, whether it be book recommendations, websites, or community services.

What most struck me about what I heard at the conference was how much I can apply most of the information to all of my kids including the neuro-typical ones.  If I had to choose a favourite speaker, it would be Dr. Martin Brokenleg.  His gift for storytelling is unprecedented and he shares from the heart.  When I first saw in the program that he was going to be speaking for two and a half hours, I was worried about boredom, but after he began speaking, I could have listened for two and a half days!  Dr. Brokenleg spoke about his Circle of Courage model.  It was fascinating, encouraging, and inspiring.  You can read more here or in his book entitled, “Reclaiming Youth at Risk: Our Hope for the Future”.  I encourage everyone to take the time to do so, as what I learned from Dr. Brokenleg has changed the way I think about parenting when it comes to all of my kids and his work is not specific to kids with FASD.

The session I attended entitled “Sensorimotor Deficits in FASD – Functional Implications, Therapeutic Interventions” was the least informative for me of the various sessions mostly because I am already applying sensory interventions with my kids and understand sensory issues quite well, however, I feel that the information is invaluable for those newer along this journey.  For me, there was no new information in the session and it was geared more towards professionals working with kids with FASD and their caregivers.  However, it was encouraging for me to hear that I am on the right track and that the time I spend making a new sensory bin every week is worth every second!

Here are some sensory related resources spoken of during the presentation:

Alert Program (How Does Your Engine Run?)
Flaghouse (they spoke especially highly of the gel lap pads available here)
Tools for Kids
Healthcare Solutions
The Incredible Years Program

Some of the key points were related to the importance of attuned parenting, putting together a sensory kit or using sensory centres or bins, teaching self-regulation (such as using the Alert Program), and the impact of the environment and genetics on brain architecture.

The session “Functional Behaviour Assessment and Positive Behaviour Support” taught by Karmen Krahn Schulties was extremely interesting, but hard to follow due to there being about three times the amount of information than there was available time!  I really would have liked to have been able to hear the information expanded upon and for there to have been time for questions, but the presenter did the best she could with the enormous amount of material and the short time allotted.  I liked the optimism that Karmen displayed and her positive behaviour support approach.  An example of something she mentioned that stuck with me is in re-terming “stealing” as “unexplained possession”.  When it comes to kids with FASD, “unexplained possession” tends to be a common issue, but in re-terming it, the child doesn’t have to feel like they are “bad”.  She also told a rather shocking story about just how intense the need for sensory stimulation can be, which illustrated to me that it is important to get to the root or cause of a behaviour and not just make assumptions and also how important sensory work is.

Other points I took down during this presentation:

-children with FASD require repetition, specialized teaching techniques and more positive reinforcement in less distracting environments
-environmental adaptations need to be done alongside coping and tolerance training
-positive behaviour support is any plan that is 75% positive reinforcement and 25% crisis management
-there were a lot of other points, but not developed enough for me to be able to understand well enough to have confidence in passing along!

In the evening of the first day, I attended a demonstration of how a support group for parents of FASD works.  The group we watched was a support group for men.  It was obvious just how successful the group has been by witnessing their level of comfort and vulnerability with each other.  For myself personally, watching and listening as an outsider felt voyeuristic and uncomfortable, but I think the intent was to demonstrate a model of how an effective support group works.

Filed Under: Adoption Seminars, FASD, Special Needs Parenting

Happily Going Where We Never Intended

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November 9, 2011 By 2 Comments

author:  Elizabeth

Our decision to pursue adoption was either more or less complicated than normal depending on how you look at it.  We didn’t end up at adoption as a result of fertility issues; we started at adoption.  Actually, our Kiddo is a 3rd generation adoptee, so, really it’s a family tradition!  For us, adoption has always been a natural process for creating a family.  We never grieved the loss of our “perfect” child, the one that looked like us and shared our bizarre compilation of genes.  No, as one of my favourite adoption quotes says: “Our children are not ours because they share our genes_they are ours because we have the audacity to envision them.  That, at the end of the day_or long sleepless night, is how love really works.”

There are a couple of things that led us to public domestic adoption.  First of all, we’re not infant people.  Not that we don’t like little babies and watching them grow into people, but kids are awesome once they hit an age where they disagree with you and have distinctive personalities.  There’s nothing quite so exciting as when a child’s will kicks in and you starts seeing a temper or sassiness.

However, in terms of the type of adoption we chose, it chose us more than anything else.  We initially started down the international adoption path, but a variety of issues in the program we were looking at left us facing years and years of waiting.  Although we’d had a rather frightening “meet the families of adoption” session during our PRIDE training, what you learn quickly as a potential adoptive parent is that reassessment is a constant.  Our adoption goal when we signed up for PRIDE courses and picked our social worker is the exact opposite of our actual adoption.  While some people might think our complete 180 was because we were just desperate, it’s actually the result of constant learning and self-assessment.  We are resourceful, strong, competent adults, but we always remember that we’ve for a lot to learn and that even the best-laid plan changes over time.  We didn’t end up with a special needs kid because that’s the best we could do, we ended up with the best kid in the world, who happens to have some special needs.  As for us, we’re committed to being the best parents for him.  We’re not the parents of a sympathy story, we’re exciting participants in what’s going to be the story of an inspirational kid, an awesome teenager, and an amazing adult.

We started out wanting a “simple” adoption.  One that came without extra family ties, ie. some sort of open adoption; we wanted an adoption that wasn’t complicated by medical issues.  We were looking for an adoption that would still leave us kind of resembling the all-American family, living the all-American dream.

These days, you couldn’t offer me anything that would make me consider going back to my previous family dream.  Why?  Because that life wouldn’t fit this child that I love more than I dreamed was possible.  To a certain extent, I think the public domestic adoption policy of finding a family for their kids, not kids for your family is excellent.  Some of Ontario’s policies and the legal hurdles feel confusing and incomprehensible.

However, the only real issue that I have with the Children’s Aid adoption process is that there are so many awesome kids that get written off as un-adoptable due to diagnoses that can change drastically.  I don’t understand why nobody’s making a point of focusing on how these kids want to be a part of “YOUR!” family as much as you want a family, only they don’t know how to express it and some of those kids have had the rug pulled out from under them and they are afraid.  It’s not just the parents in public adoption, it’s the parents and the kids working as a team to be a family.

For us, the best example of how we changed from our “dream” adoption to actually adopting the child that wanted us and encourages us to “be all you can be!” was when we realized that we were find with contacting our son’s mom and sending her pictures a couple times a month and Mother’s Day cards, etc.  We realized that, while we’d been afraid of adopting a child with a history, in reality, no child is lacking a history, it’s just that some histories can be swept under the rug a bit.

Our son tends to be categorized as fairly time-consuming in terms of special needs, but I never see him as a special needs child.  When I pick him up from school, the sight of his little face lighting up when he sees me – the Mommy that’s there just for him – is worth all the extra time we spend in medical appointments.  Watching him work so hard in his therapy sessions, looking up to see if I’m paying attention to how well he’s doing, is more fulfilling than anything I’ve ever known.

Sure, there are days when I’m so tired that a Tim Horton’s drive-through is the greatest innovation since the light bulb, but, even in the throws of exhaustion, I’ve for the smile muscles working 110%!  (He’s also the reason that I can’t get through even Disney movies without grabbing for Kleenex.  Nobody warned me about that, but I’d recommend everyone buy Kleenex stock because I’m keeping that company in business these days.)

This feisty, giggly, tracker of more mud and grass into the house than I thought we had in the backyard, is more than just my son, he’s how I define myself: I’m ‘Sheldon’s’ Mom.

We adopted from Children’s Aid over the course of 2010/2011.  Our son was profiled on AdoptOntario and we saw his picture on February 18, 2010.  219 days later, we signed the legal guardianship papers. 
 
Our adoption journey, like so many other families, was complicated.  Initially, we planned to adopt internationally.  We planned to adopt siblings and, given that Jeff was himself adopted as a baby, we felt we had some insight into some of the adoption issues that families encounter, so we thought we were probably good candidates for older child adoptions.  However, when the program we were looking at began to exhibit ethical issues, we became concerned and decided that we needed to rethink our requirements.
 
During this time, I started volunteering with the Children’s Aid in my area.  Working as a child access volunteer, I had a special insight into the issues that the children in care faced and, while we were still scared by some of the Children’s Aid adoption stories we heard, we realized that there was a desperate need for adoptive homes in Canada.  Shortly after, we saw our son profiled on AdoptOntario and, while people talk about the “love at first sight” moment, ours was kind of a weird reverse of that.  We saw his profile, read about his somewhat extensive needs, and decided that somebody needed to love this child forever and that we were well suited to his needs.  So, we submitted an expression of interest and waited.
 
Well, we were not exactly what our son’s agency was looking for – apparently, being 29 was a little young – however, they encouraged us to submit our homestudy.  Then, one day, we got the dreaded phone call.  I remember thinking there was enough extra verbiage to rival a James Fennimore Cooper novel, but the cliff note version was very simple: “Thanks, but no thanks!”
 
I remember it like scenes from a movie: hanging up the phone, glancing down at the notepad I’d been doodling on, surprised by the little rivers of black ink crawling down the sheet, pooling in the crevices that the sharp edge of the broken pen tip had dug in the paper. Aimlessly wondering what the cleaning staff would think that evening when they found my pools of black ink swimming in the trash can. Mentally, wondering what it would be like when my brain came back, wondering if I was going to cry and how much this was going to hurt; wondering if this was what relief felt like.

5 months of work, excitement, anticipation, hope and fear and we were a childless couple again. The relief came – long after the crying ended. Hours later, we decided we both looked like domestic violence victims – my husband with a livid and purpling hand print across his check from when he gripped his face during our short, factual phone call, me with dark rings around my red eyes, the sides of my neck rubbed raw from hours of mindless fidgeting with my MedicAlert necklace. But, yes, there was relief, not that Sheldon wasn’t coming home, but that we hadn’t given up on him or turned him down.

Well, long story short, we refused to stop advocating for both ourselves and for our son and, because of this, our son’s agency decided that maybe we might not be such a risk.  So, they invited us to meet him and, while I wonder sometimes if they thought that we’d realize that we were in over our heads, what actually happened was that our son picked us as the family he wanted.  It was very clear, both to us and to his foster family, that Sheldon wanted us.  While he may not have understood what adoption was, he had seen it many times over the course of his life and I believe he realized that it was his turn and he chose us.  We received his referral once the visit ended, with a request that we let the agency know as soon as we could.  We called back with a “Yes!!!” within 18 hours.

 
That’s not to say that we don’t have to work hard and there are days where we’re exhausted and overwhelmed, but every time I feel the exhaustion getting to be too much, I look down at my little blond child and, seeing how hard he’s working and how much he wants to be our child, it’s the best energy boost in the world.  
Filed Under: Family Stories, Special Needs Parenting

Take It From Me: Have An Alcohol-Free Pregnancy

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September 30, 2011 By 1 Comment

author: Linda

Every year, 3000 children in Canada are born with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD).  FASD affects over 300,000 Canadians at an estimated cost of $2 million dollars per person over the lifetime.

FASD is an umbrella term used to describe the range of disabilities caused ONLY by the use of alcohol during a pregnancy. The most serious disability is brain damage.  My son, adopted at birth, was diagnosed with FASD at age six, and yes, he’s brain damaged.
FASD is irreversible. It’s a lifelong disability. There is no cure, but it IS preventable.
That’s the message a group of parents and professionals, including myself, were spreading (this morning) to honour international FASD Awareness day. Around the world, people like us were doing the same, as we’ll do every year on September 9, the ninth day of the ninth month.
Dozens of us assembled in the Great Hall of Toronto’s Union Station to greet commuters on their way to work. Looking a little silly with our t-shirts stuffed with balloons to emulate pregnant women, we passed out brochures, rang bells and gave speeches to reach the hordes of incoming commuters rushing through the train station.
At 9:09, we stood in silence for a pregnant pause. During my silence, I could feel tears well up, thinking about my son and the hardships his disability have brought both him and our family. Our son’s brain damage affects his ability to learn, concentrate, remember things, interact socially, and understand cause and effect. He has a sweet and kind spirit, but dropped out of school and is unable to hold a job. At 24, we’re still helping him find his place in the world.
This is not what you  want this for your child. Or anyone’s child. Trust me.
There is no known safe level of alcohol use during pregnancy, and there is NO safe time to drink. Many people think that it’s okay to have a drink or two after a few months when the baby’s brain has stopped growing. Not true. A baby’s brain is developing throughout pregnancy, so the safest choice is no alcohol at all.
One kind of alcohol is no different from another. All alcohol harms, whether it’s beer, coolers, wine or spirits.
Many women understandably worry about the few drinks they may have had before they knew they were pregnant. Having a small amount of alcohol before you knew is not likely to harm your baby, but it’s essential to stop drinking as soon as you know.
My son’s birthmother was a binge drinker. We didn’t know, though, until he was diagnosed with FASD and we went back to her with the diagnosis. She then admitted her drinking habits. This is not an uncommon story. Few people ever heard of FASD when my son was born 24 years ago, and most people, including doctors, didn’t have a clue how dangerous it was to drink during pregnancy.
But now we DO KNOW. The message is clear. Don’t drink while pregnant.
So pass on this recipe for a  tasty ‘mocktail’ to any pregnant woman you might know:
                                   Backyard Caesar Mocktail
  1. Rim a tall glass with fresh lime and celery salt
  2. Fill the glas with ice and add 2 tp spicy BBQ sauce, ¼ oz. lime juice and 4 oz. Clamato.
  3. Stir to mix. Garnish with a beef pepperette

For more non-alcoholic recipes:  www.lcbo.com/socialresponsibility/mocktails.shtml

    To learn more about FASD, ask questions or share concerns, call:
    Motherisk 1-877-FAS-INFO (I-877-327-4636
    Your healthcare provider
    Your local health unit
    Telehealth Ontario 1-866-797-0000
    For more information:
    www.alcoholfreepregnancy.ca
    I am a writer and editor, wife and mother, living in a charming, carless community on an island off the “coast” of Toronto, called Toronto Island. I was born in Detroit, went to school in Washington, D.C., and came to Canada during the War in Vietnam.       
    I am a gardener, birdwatcher and baker, walked a Catholic pilgrimage route in Spain, started playing the viola in my 50s, took my family to Guyana on a humanitarian aid project, ocean kayaked off the coast of British Columbia and have exhibited my hand-painted black-and- white photographs in a local gallery. I love disco, Motown, roses, and a really great hamburger. I wish I could get more sleep.
    My life took a major turn when my adopted-at-birth son was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) at the age of six. According to statistics at the time, his diagnosis was a sentence for failure: he’d drop out of school; he’d be incapable of holding a job; he’d live on welfare, on the street or worse. The brain damage, they said, was irreversible.
    With all the love, devotion, hope and medical knowledge I could accumulate, I set out to change the predicted course of events, illustrating the expectations that those of us raised on the activism of the 1960s brought to bear on our lives and families. Michael is now 24 and the struggle to help him find his place in the world continues.
    I have recently written a memoir. In the book, I bring together the disparate threads of my life, weaving a story about raising our two adopted children, keeping my marriage intact and living with a modicum of joy while struggling to beat my son’s odds. Though my story is at once achingly unique, I believe the themes are universal to every family grappling with life, love and the struggle to accept the reality of what is. 
    I have written for major Canadian periodicals and won a National Magazine Award. My book, The Essential Toronto Island Guidewas published in 2008.
    I continued to work in both print, tv and film after my son’s diagnosis, but also became part of an extensive network of professionals, families, organizations and online forums interested in FAS, children with special needs including Asperger’s Syndrome and ADD, and adoption. Excerpts from my manuscript were published in The Globe and Mail, and Canadian Living magazine. I recently met with the Lieutenant Governor of Ontario to advocate for improved social service for families with FAS children.
    I live with my two children and husband, a tv producer with the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, CBC.
    Filed Under: FASD, Special Needs Parenting

    FASD Learning Series

    (This post may contain affiliate links. For more information, see my disclosure policy.)

    June 17, 2011 By Leave a Comment

    I wanted to bring your attention to a fantastic free resource for those who are parenting a child with FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder).  FASD is especially common in government adoptions, but is also found in some children adopted internationally or through open adoption.

    The Alberta government has released a video series available to view here.  One of the things I like best about this series is that the presentations are given by a Social Worker and by a woman who is living with FASD.

    Also, don’t forget to vote for Adoption Magazine in the Top 25 Adoption Blogs contest.  Each computer can vote once every 24 hours and it closes in 4 days.  It would be wonderful to see a Canadian blog represented on the Top 25 list.

    -Sharla Kostelyk

    Filed Under: Adoption Seminars, Special Needs Parenting
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